Well, what a fucking week this has been. I am SOOO done with this week. I was on Tuesday, so now I’m REALLY done.
This has been an interesting week for me. I’ve entered new territory, and to be honest I’m still processing everything. I find myself often wondering how I’m doing treading the line of being self aware and completely oblivious. I am liberated sexually, which seems to happen to many women in their 30’s to 40’s. That’s an entire discussion about sociology which I don’t want to get in to now. I think my story is rather average. Married young, very little experience before that, and didn’t get any enlightenment of any kind, let alone in the sex department during the marriage. Didn’t start cutting loose until my late 20’s and that mostly consisted of going out with friends, getting horned up by guys hitting on me, taking them home and being used because I didn’t know any other way. I thought I enjoyed myself, but looking back what I enjoyed was being enjoyed because I had no self esteem and that made me feel important, made me feel wanted.
It wasn’t until several years and a few more long term relationships later that I acknowledged it’s okay to be the aggressor, it’s totally fine to not only say what you want/what gives you pleasure, but to actively go after it as well. I don’t know why or how I came to a point in my life where I refuse to apologize for being a woman, for being sexual, for being aggressive, hell for being smart. The number of people (guys especially) who accuse me of belittling them because I’ve got a big vocabulary and use it regularly is obscene. If you don’t know what I mean when I say “deluge” that says neither anything bad about you nor anything good about me. It’s how I talk. I’ll introduce you to my own mom and you will understand. If her mom was alive and you met her, you’d REALLY understand.
One thing I’ve come to recognize is just how fucking sexy confidence is. I think that’s the one thing that has changed the most for me. I still look much the same as I always have, but I’m bigger on the inside. I was never implicitly told “you’re not good enough for this” or “you don’t deserve that” but frankly that’s a message that rarely transmits that plainly. The day I finally asked myself “what’s the worst that will happen if I say no?” transformed my life. I discovered that if I actually played the situation out to the absolute fucking worst ending I could possibly think of, every single ending I came up with was not the end of the world which I imagined it to be if I was too afraid to give it too much thought. Once I committed myself to practicing what I preached to my inner self, I found out that fuck yeah that’s actually what happens.
The next step was “what’s the worst that will happen if I say yes?” Well, that opened up my eyes pretty fucking wide. Granted, it opened up a few other things wide as well. If I were to count the number of men I called down to from my balcony telling them “I’m on the top floor!” I would probably have to use two hands. I’ve been in this apartment less than a year.
Sometimes I wonder if I should feel bad. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t. I wonder if I don’t have a conscience. I know I’m weird, and I love that about myself, but am I legitimately abnormal? Am I defective? Am I broken, am I failed human being?
I think these thoughts are completely rational and normal. I don’t feel that I’m abnormal or defective. I do feel that I’m in the minority of women who speak up and speak out and refuse to apologize for it. I said it earlier…you should meet my female lineage. They have subtly been telling the establishment to fuck off for at least a few hundred years. Granted, I don’t tell my mom the details of my personal life but I sure as fuck readily admit and own it when she does learn of something I don’t publicize. The cool thing is she generally doesn’t expect me to.
I know I started off talking about how fucking awesome Friday is, but this did go somewhere, didn’t it. My plan for the evening is to nap for a bit to sleep off the beer and then drive 45 minutes to see side guy for the night. We’ll probably sleep together (as in actually sleep) in his truck in his driveway.
I’ve traded emails with a guy who lives locally and is an open marriage who’s looking for FWB. I’d love to have one I can get at more easily, but side guy is more important to me so I sent this other guy an email asking if he’d be interested in meeting with the idea of joining us in bed but not ruling out coupling together, just the two of us. I don’t know if it’s evident or not but I’ve been drinking tonight. I tend to be more free association thinking when I’m drinking. I also cruise the casual sex encounters on Craigslist when I’m drinking, but haven’t found anything worth semi-drunk replying to. It’s Friday, so let the chips fall where they may. I own everything on my side of the street and do so without thought or regret. If I have nothing else to my name, I have accountability. I will look myself in the mirror tonight and again in the morning and not shrink away from what I see. Tomorrow I will come on this blog and type another recap.
I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to it. A little scared, but mostly excited. Like climbing on a roller coaster ride for the first time.